Still don't know what to be when I grow up

Today was a good on plan (diet wise) day. I am really really hungry right now but my cut-off time for eating is 8 pm. So no more food. After dinner, I let things sit around for a while and it was tough to keep my fingers out of the food as David and I were cleaning the kitchen. I'm glad he helped me because it keeps me honest. I got in 40 minutes of cardio, too.

I am bidding on a small tract of land in the Big Bend area of Texas. I'm excited about the possibilities. Even if I don't win it, it has really motivated me to think about how my life can and will change - for the better. I am happy to have Mom here, but I don't expect her to live much longer in her present state. It sounds so harsh, but I really need to be thinking about the future. This house is much too big and expensive for us to keep it up when she is gone. I think the possibility of getting that piece of property has helped pull me out of my depression some. I have really been struggling lately. I quit taking anti-depressants because I lost my insurance coverage and couldn't fit them into my monthly budget. I really wanted to get off of them, anyway, but it has been a bit harder than I thought. I started taking SAM-e (a supplement) and also making sure I get folic acid and omegas 3 fatty acids which are supposed to help with depression. I was working out almost everyday for months, and it had a very positive effect on my mental health. When Mom got so sick that she needed me in her room 24/7, I quit working out and just when I got back in the groove, I had a nasty case of the flu. I was so weak for a couple of weeks that I just couldn't muster up the motivation to work out - not even take a walk. But now, I'm strong again and... well, no excuses.

David is already in bed. I recorded The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch and am listening to it in the background. I like watching that show, but it's a BIG HUGE reminder that I can't figure out what my passion is. You know, that thing that you love doing so much that you would do it for free. For now, getting my real estate license will have to do.

I went back to pull a photo of the land and found that I have been outbid. I'm going to sit on it for a while. Maybe I will bid again before the auction is over but maybe the seller will have another piece for sale.

Off-the-Grid Living

Pepper, Honey and Roxy

Today has been a very good day. David and I walked all three dogs and there wasn't even a hint of a fight between them. It was sunny and beautiful, and the temperature was perfect - in the 60s. We are returning to our quest to redirect Roxy's agression toward Honey and believe that we might be able to blend them after all. Honey is so hyper and she just won't settle down, although you can't tell in the picture above. I had to take that photo with a long lens because if I don't, I rarely catch her face in the frame. She's too fast! Even though Pepper is about to be 8 years old, she's still as fast and attentive as always. As we crossed the main road, she was eyeing the passing cars, hoping to get out there and herd one or two of them. I love all three dogs so much. I saw a story on cnn about some of the dogs that were saved from the beast, Michael Vick. You can see some information here: http://www.badrap.org/. Great group. Rot in hell, Michael Vick. Jamie volunteered by herself at the pet adoption today. She worked with cats and kittens today and they adopted out a few. She and AJ volunteer every Sunday, but AJ is off to Oregon for the Soldier of the Year competition. I hope he wins. There is a Pit Bull named Houston who has been patiently waiting for a new home. I hope he gets adopted into a loving family soon.

I have spent a great deal of time online today, looking up information about living off-the-grid. When we were planning the sale of our house, it was with the goal of downsizing and getting rid of some stuff. We had already started the process of paring down, having downsized from +/-3500 square feet to about 2850 square feet, then to 1850 square feet. When we decided to sell the 1850 sf house, it was with the goal of doing some serious downsizing, not only with our possessions but with how much trash we generate and energy and water we use. But then Mom came to live with us and we ended up moving into a bigger house. It's nice - I'm so grateful for what we have - but it's not what I wanted then or now. I wanted to get back to the country. I wanted to be able to see the stars in the night sky and maybe a satellite or two slowly tracking overhead. Soon, someday soon. One good thing, the house is well-insulated and has a radiant-barrier roof, so it uses much less electricity and gas for heating than the smaller house.

We have been watching for a nice piece of land in far west Texas. If we find something, this will be the beginning of the move back to the country. I would love to live in Buffalo Gap again. I wish we still had the acreage out there. Hmmm, now to overcome my intense fear of mice. Mice and living in the country go hand-in-hand. Someday soon.

Update

I uploaded a video that we took during our train trip. It was a mild sunny day in November and we stopped in the ghost town of Shafter Texas to see some ruins and an old cemetery. I took this video of Cibolo Creek flowing through this rocky dry land.

I am so grateful that Darien is better. I have been studying for a real estate licensing exam and meeting the education requirements so I can file the application for permission to take the exam. I just finished taking my last pre-requisite class today, which took about 6 hours. I regret that I let my old real estate license lapse and didn't take the steps to properly renew it. Now, I have to start from scratch. I'm hoping to fit real estate around caring for Mom. If anyone out there is successfully doing this, I would love to hear about it.

I have been stress-eating a lot this week. David went out of town last weekend and it opened the door for me to have a junk food dinner, and then I just kept on going all week. I am making a commitment to start again tomorrow.

The volunteer didn't come yesterday. She called me - left a voice message saying that it was cold and rainy and she lives 20 miles away and did I still want her to come out. I needed her because I had an appointment with the real estate broker at the office where I am considering placing my license and I needed her to sit with Mother.. David stayed home instead because I took her message to mean that she didn't really want to come. I understand, it is a volunteer position after all, not a job. But I did need her yesterday. We agreed to try again next Wednesday, which is the one day of the week that I don't need anybody because so many people are in that day. Mother said she didn't want a volunteer anyway, but she doesn't get that this is for me, not so much for her. It's to allow me to get out of the house.

Roxy is laying on the bench in the bay window in the dining room, "talking" to the kids playing outside on our street. This is the first day without rain in some time, and the sun is actually shining off and on. I should walk all the dogs today, but I'm too lazy today.

A Better Day

Today is starting out much better than it ended yesterday. I woke up very early this morning and got up, but decided to go back to bed. I got a great extra hour of restful sleep. I wanted to call Kat at the hospital this morning early to see how Darian is, but didn't want to call too early and possibly wake her up. Finally, at about 9:30, I couldn't wait anymore. My thinking was that "no news is good news." We talked for about 15 minutes. She told me the events of yesterday. She was so scared for Darien but he is doing much better today. The doctor told her that he had the seizure because his temperature spiked so quickly. While he may be susceptible to seizures in the future, he could never have another one. They said there is no residual effects, but he is still on an iv antibiotic and rehydration. Kat had taken him to the doctor the day before and he was sick but doing ok, so things changed very quickly. I'm happy and grateful that he is doing so much better.
Mom is getting a haircut as I write this. A hospice volunteer came today to cut her hair since she can no longer get out to the hair salon. This lady is retired and she does a lot of volunteer work. I am amazed at the number of people who volunteer with hospice. Another lady is coming Friday to sit with Mom while I go run some errands. This lady works full time and does this on her day off. I am thankful there are people who unselfishly give their time like this. I can't imagine spending my one day off per week doing volunteer work. Again, I think it's amazing that people do this.
I put Roxy's harness on her so I could hold onto her to keep her from jumping up on the volunteer today. She was so excited because she thought that meant we were going for a walk. But it's chilly and raining and Roxy doesn't do rain. And I'm still battling the after-effects of the flu and don't think it's a good idea to get out today. Hopefully, it will quit raining this afternoon and we can go out together.
I'm looking for a split-pea soup recipe. I've never made it and never particularly liked it, but for some reason, I'm craving split-pea soup.

How Quickly Things Change - Part 2

It's cool and rainy again today. The weather forecast calls for days of several days of rain. I would like to see the sun again soon. Wednesday is Mother's busiest day of the week because her case manager/nurse comes today and she also gets a visit from an aide who bathes her, etc. David sat with Mother this afternoon so I could go interview a real estate broker about the possibility of becoming an agent with him. The brokerage office is really nice and the people were friendly. Most importantly, the commission structure is good. I decided to sign the agent paperwork on the spot. I'm not licensed yet but home to be within the next two weeks. I was pretty stoked when I came out of the meeting and I felt hopeful about the future.


Darien

During my meeting, I did what I thought was the polite thing - I set my cell phone to vibrate. The meeting lasted about 3 hours. When I came out, I checked it and I had several missed calls from Jamie and David. I called Jamie and she told me that Kat was at the hospital with Darien because he had a seizure. Apparently, he has some kind of infection and his fever spiked to 106 very quickly. She drove him to the doctor immediately, and he seized in the waiting room. They took him to the hospital right away, but we know nothing else. I am upset and concerned that there could be residual problems. I felt so bad that I had not answered my phone, but I keep reminding myself that I could do nothing from 350 miles away. I am fighting the urge to get in my car and drive there right now! I wish I lived closer. I want to see him - to see with my own eyes how he is doing. I don't handle the waiting too well.

Today, I'd rather be there, with Kathleen and Darien, holding her hand and holding my grandson. Wait, maybe I'd rather be in another place and time where this didn't or couldn't happen. I am sending prayers for Darien.

I posted a picture of the sign at the entrance to Candelaria, Texas. On Halloween, David and I took Amtrak out of Houston to Alpine to get away for a few days. We rented a little car and drove around the Big Bend Ranch State Park and Big Bend National Park areas for a day. We decided to drive to the literal end of the road - paved road that is - north of FM 170 to Candelaria. The pavement ends and you can continue driving in different directions on dirt roads. It was very tempting to keep going but we decided against it since we were in the rental. I get these romantic notions about moving to that area of Texas, maybe living and working on a ranch or just living off the grid in a yurt or a Wee House or a cabin. I saw an ad in the Abilene Reporter News asking for a couple to live and work on a nearby ranch. Very tempting. But I'm not sure if my Mother would take to being bed- and home-bound in the country. Hmmm...

I got up early and got ready to go to the job interview today for the work-at-home call agent position. I thought a lot about this last night. I determined that I would need to hire a full-time sitter to care for my Mom while I attend the six-week mandatory training. I can't imagine why it would take six weeks, but regardless, it's required. Unfortunately, the job doesn't pay as much as I pay the sitter, so I would have to go in the hole $130 a week - a total of $780 - to complete the training. As I was driving to the interview, I decided that it's not worth it and called the agency to tell the rep what I had decided. Then, I went to the store and bought some groceries, stopped at a salon supply store and picked up personal care items, and stopped at Jamba Juice for a light smoothie. I came home feeling pretty good.

As I was discussing my decision with David, I began to get angry about the fact that I have sacrificed part of my life to keep my mom out of a nursing home, but that as a caregiver, I cannot get access to any of her medicare benefits. If I put her in a nursing home or some kind of personal care home, her benefits would go to the provider. Why can't some of that come to me instead? I saw a report on Good Morning America today that 1 in 4 people are caregivers. The subject of the report was Adult Day Care Centers and how medicare has established a pilot program where they pay some benefits to a select number of centers. My mom would not be eligible for this because she is too disabled, but I think it's a good idea for those who qualify. But I'm still angry that I can't get any of those benefits for the care I provide my mom.

What a Difference a Day Makes

It's amazing to me that my attitude can change so dramatically from one day to the next. Simply getting a decent night's sleep makes a positive difference.

David spoke to his father over the weekend about the challenges that his father and his father's brother had when they took care of their own mother. She died a couple of years ago. They had many of the same issues I am having here so it helped me get some perspective. I guess it's true - misery does love company. One of my challenges is financial, since I gave up my full time job and benefits in order to do this. I now have an opportunity to work from home as a call center agent. However, attendance at training for 6 weeks is mandatory. I have been trying to figure out how to cover my mom's care during the day. I have someone who comes in periodically to help me. It's interesting to note that I pay her more per hour than I would be making with the work-at-home job... Is it crazy to go in the hole for 6 weeks in order to do this job?

When I left my job, I made a silent commitment to myself that I would stay in my daily routine. I'd get up early as usual - 5:45 am - get dressed every day, fix my hair, put on makeup, etc. That didn't last. I broke my commitment after about 6 weeks. I'm wearing my hair in a ponytail almost every day. My hair color is a mess and I need a trim, or maybe a whole new style. My nails look awful. And I have an interview for the work-at-home job tomorrow which puts me in a bit of a panic. Considering coloring my hair myself. I can't remember when I last wore makeup.


Me, no makeup, ponytail, glasses - my daily uniform.

If Mom sleeps in, I sometimes stay in bed and watch tv. I'm not working out like I used to. I feel like I'm disappearing and I feel powerless to change it. I am interested in hearing from other at-home caregivers to see if they are experiencing the same things. When I lost my insurance benefits, I worked with my doctor to get off of the antidepressant I had been taking for the last two years. I took Wellbutrin and it worked really well for me, but I couldn't manage the cost with my new limited budget. I've been off the Wellbutrin now for about three months. But I am definitely feeling the difference in the last couple of weeks. Maybe I'm feeling down because it's just cold, rainy, January, post holidays. Maybe it's because I don't work out with any regularity anymore. Maybe I'll use this forum to map my comeback. Maybe I'll just go back to bed for now.

Today is the First Day

Today is the first day that I am putting my words out "there." I have these conversations in my head all the time and I figured...., well, you know. I left my full-time job in May to care for my elderly disabled mother. Now, this job I left wasn't the job of my dreams but I had decent benefits and the pay was good. I find myself getting more and more isolated as time goes by. Mom can't be alone and although my husband is very supportive and helps out a lot, the care falls mostly to me. Speaking of my husband - David - he is self employed and is usually very busy or starving - there doesn't seem to be much in between. This just adds to the stress level. He works in telecom. Lately, our biggest problem is getting the companies he is contracted with to pay in a timely manner. Invoices run about 90 days old and that's far too long. He's an "old-schooler" who has been doing this for about 25 years. He's thinking about a career change but without my income as backup, it's probably not the right time.

Here is the problem of the day, and the day before, and the day before that. My mom sits in her room and has loud one-sided conversations with herself about me (and others) and she doesn't speak very kindly. I don't understand why she does this. I've asked her but she is very hard of hearing and just will not go there with me. We live in a nice home and we gave her the master suite. It is a lovely large bedroom with a sitting area and a well-appointed bathroom. Her closet is the size of a typical small bedroom and has room for a desk and all of her many many clothes, shoes and handbags. If I'm downstairs, I can hear her. The only way to get away from the droning is to go upstairs and watch tv, which puts me too far away from her to help her if she needs assistance. Of late, I find myself getting more resentful because I feel like I'm stuck here. I didn't realize how exhausting this would be.

So... given that the title of my blog is "I'd Rather Be," today, I'd rather be outside, walking my dog, Roxy, free to come home when I feel like it. In the past, I had fairly elaborate dreams, but now, my dreams are much simpler.